Film

I feel like I am a roll of film yet to be exposed--and I have no idea what sorts of "pictures" would show up once I, the film, was developed, exposed to the light. In some ways I have been prohibited from being developed all my life; some would call this living a "sheltered life". I wondered today though what would happen if I was exposed to the light, if my pictures got developed properly--what would they show, what would they not show, what could I learn? I think the time has come for me to step out of the canister and allow life to develop me. That's what develops us right? Life? Experience? Walks in the woods and meeting new people, staying awake for the finale and laughing until your stomach aches, sobbing when you've had a bad day and smiling when someone you love calls you just to say "I love you"--It is very easy to pack our emotions away and not really feel them, just sort of live life and never process it. But we lose so much when we don't allow ourselves to be present for life, not just show up and make the motions. It is easier to be unconscious and just follow the person in front of you, do what they do, eat supper and go to bed. However, I do believe that the returns on living an examined, developed, processed life are well worth the hardships.

Of course the next step is to act on what you find. Change your job, move to a new town, let go of that unhealthy relationship even if it means being lonely for a bit, learn to be more grateful, find the courage to say yes and say no....I have made many an excuse for not taking the steps I needed to not only examine my life, but to also act on my life, and act LOUD. I let myself believe that other people are the stumbling block in my life, that this person is holding me back because they don't want me to get hurt or be disappointed. That isn't true, and I know that to my core. I couldn't help that some of my life's film was not developed in my childhood, but now, there's no excuse. Any thing that stops me from becoming the individual I truly desire to be is something that I have consciously or unconsciously allowed.

It is difficult for me to accept all this responsibility--it goes against everything I've been told in my multiple years of therapy. It is empowering though to know that change is in my hands and not someone else's. It is empowering to know that I can pop the top and let my life process all the rolls of film I've got that have been sitting in the corner waiting. There are some things that I cannot change and I must accept these limitations, but oh how many things I can change! Or keep the same! Examination doesn't always lead to change; sometimes it backs you up and lets you know that you are indeed doing the right thing with your life. The important aspect of all of this is to be present, to act LOUD, to experience everything with fervor, the sadness and the madness and the happy days.

I am still walking in the woods and I just get giddy when 4 o'clock rolls around and I know it is time to go home. I think of putting on my socks and shoes and heading out that door. I think of climbing that hill, knowing that I possess everything I need to do it again. I think of how wonderfully sad I feel when I close the door behind me, leaving the squirrels and rabbits and chipmunks, the trees and the Cherokee Rose, the river and the fishermen. My soul fills itself up here and I am whole again.

I want to thank the anonymous person who left a post on my blog--you have have no idea what you did for me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write those words.