Film part deux
Before I go any further I need to make some clarifications about my use of the metaphor film in my last post. I am afraid that I've not got some of the terms associated with photography down and in that regard misused some of them. The fact that I lived a sheltered life growing up means to me that I experienced certain things and never got to process them, and also that I never got to experience certain things in the first place, therefore a "picture" was never even taken. At present I am an unexposed roll of film--I have yet to create the pictures I want to--at the same time there are rolls of film in my life that have pictures on them, I've just never bothered to flesh them out. Being an unexposed roll of film is not such a bad thing--it just means I've got some work to do. I need to take the time to be in the moment and not always be in the dark room thinking about the moment. Does that make sense?
I broke my foot about a year ago and I had to wear an orthopaedic boot for 2 months. How did I break the foot? I missed a step in 4 inch heels! Not the best story. However since this past Tuesday the same foot has been hurting and it has gotten worse even though I have tried to stay off it. I am terrified that it is broken again, but maybe it is just a bad bruise. I finally broke down and got fitted for some trail shoes yesterday--I knew my old shoes were not giving me enough support and thought it could be the origin of my foot problems. I got up this morning early and just knew I couldn't stay inside all day. I felt the outdoors beckoning to me to come out. So I got my coffee and put on my new trail shoes and sat in the gazebo on a swing and just thought and listened to the fountain in the pond. I wasn't exactly wearing exercise garb, but I decided I couldn't just sit there any longer. I put my coffee away and began walking around the pond and I walked out the silver painted gate to my woods. My foot was aching but I just ignored it. I felt called to climb my hill and worship among the trees and shrubs and wildflowers. Of course now even after a hot shower my foot is hurting still, but it was so worth it!
I am working on a black and white issue again. My identity seems to be changing and as much as I want the change to come, I am fearful. Heretofore I have been very materialistic and have put much emphasis on appearances. Today I don't give a damn. I haven't touched a hair dryer in over 3 weeks and it feels so liberating. I have completely given up on wearing shoes that even though they look good hurt my feet like hell. I'm not "letting myself go" per se, but I am letting go of a part of myself that I haven't liked in quite awhile. I have too many shoes. There, I said it. I don't want the life I used to want anymore. I want a different sort of life--a life of simplicity and experience. I don't want to be known as the person "with all the shoes". I want people to see me in a different light. I know in order for this to happen I have to change the way I present myself to the world. But I think I am ready. I've always known who I was, I've just pushed it aside preferring to be someone else. I am tired now though and want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not someone else's. I am tired of comparing myself to other people and coming up short. I don't want to compare myself to anyone but me. I want to be accountable to me, no one else. I can do this, but it will not be an easy transition and I will question myself all the way, wondering again and again "Who am I?" My soul knows who I am and if I listen very closely to the beating of my heart, I will begin a journey that will make all the difference in the world to me.
I broke my foot about a year ago and I had to wear an orthopaedic boot for 2 months. How did I break the foot? I missed a step in 4 inch heels! Not the best story. However since this past Tuesday the same foot has been hurting and it has gotten worse even though I have tried to stay off it. I am terrified that it is broken again, but maybe it is just a bad bruise. I finally broke down and got fitted for some trail shoes yesterday--I knew my old shoes were not giving me enough support and thought it could be the origin of my foot problems. I got up this morning early and just knew I couldn't stay inside all day. I felt the outdoors beckoning to me to come out. So I got my coffee and put on my new trail shoes and sat in the gazebo on a swing and just thought and listened to the fountain in the pond. I wasn't exactly wearing exercise garb, but I decided I couldn't just sit there any longer. I put my coffee away and began walking around the pond and I walked out the silver painted gate to my woods. My foot was aching but I just ignored it. I felt called to climb my hill and worship among the trees and shrubs and wildflowers. Of course now even after a hot shower my foot is hurting still, but it was so worth it!
I am working on a black and white issue again. My identity seems to be changing and as much as I want the change to come, I am fearful. Heretofore I have been very materialistic and have put much emphasis on appearances. Today I don't give a damn. I haven't touched a hair dryer in over 3 weeks and it feels so liberating. I have completely given up on wearing shoes that even though they look good hurt my feet like hell. I'm not "letting myself go" per se, but I am letting go of a part of myself that I haven't liked in quite awhile. I have too many shoes. There, I said it. I don't want the life I used to want anymore. I want a different sort of life--a life of simplicity and experience. I don't want to be known as the person "with all the shoes". I want people to see me in a different light. I know in order for this to happen I have to change the way I present myself to the world. But I think I am ready. I've always known who I was, I've just pushed it aside preferring to be someone else. I am tired now though and want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not someone else's. I am tired of comparing myself to other people and coming up short. I don't want to compare myself to anyone but me. I want to be accountable to me, no one else. I can do this, but it will not be an easy transition and I will question myself all the way, wondering again and again "Who am I?" My soul knows who I am and if I listen very closely to the beating of my heart, I will begin a journey that will make all the difference in the world to me.
posted by Mireille at 8:39 AM
1 Comments:
I find your first and last paragraphs to be a bit diametrical. On the one hand you're metaphorically claiming to be a blank roll of film; "...therefore a 'picture' was never even taken." Because no one lives in a, complete vacuum, in the most literal (survivable) sense, I would suggest that indeed your life has been a series of experiences and moments strung together? If agreed, then to complete my syllogism, the assertion would be that you're not entirely comfortable with the, "exposures" as they are. And herein lies the rub, however. Do you truly know the person that you are?
We are all the product of our individual circumstances and experiences remembered. Embrace and celebrate the road created by the many snapshots of moments that has lead you here today. For that is who you truly are.
To further play out on the film analogy, there is also post-processing in the developing of film. In the darkroom we can both highlight and deemphasize the exposure with a technique called, dodge and burn. This allows us to brighten the areas that we wish to bring attention to or perhaps blur out a cluttered background! Although, the parts of our picture that intersect with the similar exposures of others must remain as taken and untouched, in-fact with deference given to the other’s experience remembered. For that will be your legacy irrespective of the techniques used in your darkroom.
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