A Really Good Day
I just finished looking through my library of books and picking out a few to read and a few to take to me when I go to New York next week. Yes, I am going to New York for four days and I couldn't be more excited. I just want to immerse myself in the pulse of the city. I don't want to shop and I don't want to see shows. I want to run in Central Park and visit the MoMA. I want to ride the subway and get lost. I want to feel the lifeblood of the city going through my veins. I have high expectations for this trip as you can tell. This is a very big thing for me and I hope it challenges my thinking about where I am right now and where I want to be.
I am sitting in bed drinking this morning's coffee cold, so good, and listening to my iPod. I have another stress reaction in my foot so I have to stay put for now. I have had such an amazing day so far. It makes me realize that my job is such a small part of my life--this, now, this is my life. This is me, wearing my Serfontaine's with a summer top, organizing my closet, washing clothes, calm and peace surround me. I got a very good smoothie this morning from Yogurberry and I have saved half of it for later. I am in my "zone". It is really obvious when you are in the zone. You just feel so complete and so full and nothing in the world can bother you. You are insulated against negative energy and everything just falls into place. It is like that song you just love that comes on the radio right when you need to hear it. It is feeling safe, and being able to accomplish so many things. And it is just right. You wouldn't change a thing.
That's where I am right now. Things are just right and I wouldn't change a thing. I am not focused on having to go to work next week, I am focused on right now and what I need right now. I would love it if my life handed me more of these kinds of days. It would be too good to be true if everyday was like this, but is it for some people? Do some people have endless days like this? Do some people get into their "zone" often and more often than not? I am going to assume that they do. So the next question is, why don't I?
It is because Monday through Friday I spend the majority of my time in a job that I despise and I dwell on this even after I leave the office--that is I begin dreading Tuesday just when Monday ends. I have made it a second job to worry and sulk over the fact that my job is dreadful. I keep trying to tell myself that it is the time outside of work that really matters. But I just cannot get over the time that I am wasting. I know people who really like their job and look forward to coming to work. I have never experienced this feeling. I have never been able to duplicate a really good weekend day during the week. However, I am making it a priority right now to find a way out and to find a way in to a job that challenges me and stimulates me and ultimately makes me happy in some way. I get stuck sometimes thinking that this is all I can do, that this is all I am capable of. This kind of thinking will get you nowhere. You have to demand the best for yourself even if that means demanding the impossible. I have to demand this for myself. I cannot just let it go on. Why would anyone let something like this go on? Fear.
You may not be able to envision this, but there are people out there, like me, who fear success and happiness. We are usually realists, or as some would put it, cynics and pessimists. We do not know how to function unless there is some sort of crisis. We begin to feel like this is the only way we can really be successful--living under tremendous amounts of stress and living a rather dreary and unhappy life. We do not demand the best for ourselves because we are scared that the happiness and success that comes with that demand might just go away and we'd be back where we started, so why go there in the first place. We become accustomed to just having bad weeks all the time. We become accustomed to always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a hard thing to break, but it can be done. If we let go of the fear and realize that we are already at the bottom, we can only go up from here, then we can free our minds up to pursue what we really want, to pursue sunshine instead of rain. Fear is an entity unto itself. It is not possible to just forget about it. You must kill the fear, literally decimate the fear. And when this has been done--well I've done it before so I know that the result is ultimate freedom and unrelenting streams of smiles and laughs. You get your bad days in there, but they are not the norm anymore.
As I said, I've done it before, I can do it again. I have the task set before me now to assassinate my fear and embrace a life that lets me find happiness and satisfaction, a life that lets me feel the peace and calm I feel now on a daily basis. I've set this out before the world, so I'd better make good on my promises. After this past week of watching the clock and sleeping with dread every night, I am more than ready to do this. Fear, you've been warned.
I am sitting in bed drinking this morning's coffee cold, so good, and listening to my iPod. I have another stress reaction in my foot so I have to stay put for now. I have had such an amazing day so far. It makes me realize that my job is such a small part of my life--this, now, this is my life. This is me, wearing my Serfontaine's with a summer top, organizing my closet, washing clothes, calm and peace surround me. I got a very good smoothie this morning from Yogurberry and I have saved half of it for later. I am in my "zone". It is really obvious when you are in the zone. You just feel so complete and so full and nothing in the world can bother you. You are insulated against negative energy and everything just falls into place. It is like that song you just love that comes on the radio right when you need to hear it. It is feeling safe, and being able to accomplish so many things. And it is just right. You wouldn't change a thing.
That's where I am right now. Things are just right and I wouldn't change a thing. I am not focused on having to go to work next week, I am focused on right now and what I need right now. I would love it if my life handed me more of these kinds of days. It would be too good to be true if everyday was like this, but is it for some people? Do some people have endless days like this? Do some people get into their "zone" often and more often than not? I am going to assume that they do. So the next question is, why don't I?
It is because Monday through Friday I spend the majority of my time in a job that I despise and I dwell on this even after I leave the office--that is I begin dreading Tuesday just when Monday ends. I have made it a second job to worry and sulk over the fact that my job is dreadful. I keep trying to tell myself that it is the time outside of work that really matters. But I just cannot get over the time that I am wasting. I know people who really like their job and look forward to coming to work. I have never experienced this feeling. I have never been able to duplicate a really good weekend day during the week. However, I am making it a priority right now to find a way out and to find a way in to a job that challenges me and stimulates me and ultimately makes me happy in some way. I get stuck sometimes thinking that this is all I can do, that this is all I am capable of. This kind of thinking will get you nowhere. You have to demand the best for yourself even if that means demanding the impossible. I have to demand this for myself. I cannot just let it go on. Why would anyone let something like this go on? Fear.
You may not be able to envision this, but there are people out there, like me, who fear success and happiness. We are usually realists, or as some would put it, cynics and pessimists. We do not know how to function unless there is some sort of crisis. We begin to feel like this is the only way we can really be successful--living under tremendous amounts of stress and living a rather dreary and unhappy life. We do not demand the best for ourselves because we are scared that the happiness and success that comes with that demand might just go away and we'd be back where we started, so why go there in the first place. We become accustomed to just having bad weeks all the time. We become accustomed to always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a hard thing to break, but it can be done. If we let go of the fear and realize that we are already at the bottom, we can only go up from here, then we can free our minds up to pursue what we really want, to pursue sunshine instead of rain. Fear is an entity unto itself. It is not possible to just forget about it. You must kill the fear, literally decimate the fear. And when this has been done--well I've done it before so I know that the result is ultimate freedom and unrelenting streams of smiles and laughs. You get your bad days in there, but they are not the norm anymore.
As I said, I've done it before, I can do it again. I have the task set before me now to assassinate my fear and embrace a life that lets me find happiness and satisfaction, a life that lets me feel the peace and calm I feel now on a daily basis. I've set this out before the world, so I'd better make good on my promises. After this past week of watching the clock and sleeping with dread every night, I am more than ready to do this. Fear, you've been warned.
posted by Mireille at 12:20 PM
1 comments
