Swimming

"How will I recognize you?" said my dad after I told him of my latest feat--60 laps in the pool, 40 minutes of (mostly) continuous swimming. I have managed finally to surprise him with something good.

I keep my fingers together and hold out my thumb to carve my way through the water as I swim up and down the pool--I feel weightless and able. I try to remember how I was taught the free stroke at Camp Greystone all those years ago. I try to not bring my head out of the water as I turn my head to take a breath. I try to forget everything but pushing myself through the water to one end and then to the other. I don't forget about my partner silently swimming next to me. And when I step out of the pool I feel like I can conquer the world.

Swimming is something I have always wanted to do, but never had the chance. I think if I had gone to a high school with a swimming team, I would have been on that team. The high that I get from swimming I get from nothing else in this world. Walking and running pale in comparison to the sense of accomplishment I get from swimming. My body doesn't ache when I finish swimming; instead it feels renewed and refreshed. There is also something about being up at 5:30 in the morning. You feel as though you've gotten a head start on the day--like you have already won the race before you even began! To my surprise it seems to come naturally to me to do this. In college I wouldn't dream of going to bed before midnight and would never make it through the day if I got up before 9. My how things have changed. And even though I have been rising earlier and earlier since I became joined the work force, love, unexpected, is the biggest cause for change.

What about that love? Has it diminished any since my first encounter with it? Not one bit. My love has only gotten deeper. It has become a part of me that I don't recognize myself without. Emerson said, "We are what we think about all day long." I am love. Elusive as it once seemed, now it holds me tight and lets me know everything's going to be okay this time. It whispers to me sweet and tender words of encouragement. I am beyond amazed.

"In tandem"--that's how it works for me. I am perfectly able to live on my own and by myself and will return to that life style if that is what life demands of me. However, I choose another way. I choose to be a part of "together". I choose to dance with love this time. I choose everything that goes along with it--the laughter, the tears, the swimming, and the scallops! Amazing. Absolutely amazing. With dark hair and a smile, I am taken in....with a guitar and a song, I am saved.

It's Been A Long Time

It has been exactly 2 months since last I wrote here. I have no idea where the time has gone. I am glad to be back though. I've missed this place. Love, unexpected, strikes when you are not looking. You cannot prepare for it; you cannot plan your response. On some level it is a gut feeling and for some people it is either there or it isn't, simple as that. For some people, the love comes first, then the hard work. For others the hard work comes first and from that grows a love. Neither is right or wrong. It is just a testament to how different we all are.

Love, unexpected, strikes when you are not looking; needs to be said twice. I take my lunch early these days because I no longer feel trapped and anxious. I never actually realized how tense I was all the time until I became calm, under the spell of an unexpected love. This isn't temporary magic though--I have been unchained, unleashed, and I am truly, truly grateful. I can make peace now with my life's journey so far because I realize that every tear I shed, every sad moment I ever had was just preparation for this great unbinding.

It is fall now and I can wear my corduroys and sweaters and boots. I love autumn. The air is easier to breathe and I feel so clean and pure in the chilly air. I watch my breath come from my mouth and I have tangible evidence that there is life in me. Love, unexpected, a knock on my door and a new velveteen swing coat. In the fall I like to swing on front porches and listen to the noises of the night. In the fall I like to drink hot coffee at sunrise in my pajamas and robe. I'm not who I used to be. I catch my reflection and I am surprised at what I see. There is a new smile there, a beautiful smile I think. I still live on the same street. I still use the same face cream. I still love peanut butter. But now, now, I am full.

Love, unexpected, a gift to be unwrapped over and over again, each and every day. Thank you. Thank you. I set myself upon this journey with everything that I am and will be. I am not afraid.