#2

fear catches me,
just as I pick up the pen,
fear catches me—
I am paralyzed before my own thoughts,
fearful of what might not get into the paper,
of absent rhyme, phrase, and meter,
I succumb to the emotion and depart
leaving yet another day void of connection,
fear catches me,
just as I was sitting down to write you.

Mireille

In This Samsara.....

In this samsara we spin,
with doubt and loathing,
wondering if a day will come
when certainty appears,
to stop us.

A Case for Not "Being in the Moment"

I have written here on this blog that I believed one of the keys to happiness was to stay in the moment, to be mindful of what was going on right now, not tomorrow or yesterday. However, I want to argue that there are times when "being in the moment" is not possible, and sometimes it actually hurts.

My argument begins with the fact that sometimes circumstances in our lives bring us into places where we can barely breathe, but we have to be there, we have to experience that suffocating feeling day after day, we just have to, we aren't given a choice. How does one cope with this? I think escape is a wonderful word and a wonderful idea. I don't think that being in the moment at this time is such a good idea. When you are at the point of almost being suffocated by someone or something, thinking about it just makes you panic. And panicking is even worse than suffocation. Anyone who has ever had anything similar to a panic attack can attest to the horror of such a situation. So, in times like these we need an escape, we need some extra space to breathe, we need to give ourselves extra time to process our lives. We need to be patient with ourselves, for we are in untenable circumstances. In my case I have little to no control over them at the moment, but some may have the option of just getting up and walking out, and if you have that option, take it. Life is not about being in places where we can barely breathe. Life is too short not to be able to take full breaths every moment you can, taking the oxygen into your lungs and feeling that life force come into your being.

When you cannot be in the moment you have to find a way to escape the minutia of your circumstances as well as the larger implications of this situation. Often I write to escape, other times I listen to music on my iPod, trying desperately to drown out the noise of what is going on around me. Sometimes I have to find something I am looking forward to and tell myself, let's get to that point and things will be better. I look for small things to take my mind off the fact that I am on the verge of being pushed into an ocean where the tide will just take me under. I get a new cup of coffee. I try to be thankful for what I have. I try to understand that this isn't a permanent thing, that things will change, that thing are going to change for the better in a little while. And while I'm here I won't define "a little while", best not to, although it would be nice to have a definite end, a date perhaps on the calendar when you knew for sure your natural breathing would resume and you would be standing steady by that ocean letting the waves tickle your ankles, not afraid that the tide was going to take you away.

I would love to physically escape--by that I mean I would love to just sleep through the tough times or take a vacation and not come back until change had happened, but life doesn't work like that. I hope that when change comes I will appreciate it ever more than I would had I not gone through this stifling time, this stultifying and heavy time. So, for now, I cannot be in the moment for it is too much for me to bear. I can hear some therapist saying, "feel the pain, go through it and come out on the other side, look at it, stare it down....". Not for me. I cannot just look at this and examine it and live it. Nope. I can only find ways to make it better. Get a new cup of coffee. Try not to watch the clock too much. Give myself a break for now. Exercise. And get plenty of sleep.

Soul Mates

As I am writing this a treasure sits beside me on my desk--a treasure that I just found, that is changing my view of the world--Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I know I am a bit late on discovering this one, but better now than never. I feel like I am reading my own words as I read this book. I feel like her journey is a precursor to the journey I am ready to begin. (However I do not think I can go to Italy and gain 23 pounds and be okay with that!)

I have just read a passage which paraphrases the words of someone Gilbert met at an Ashram in India. He is speaking of soul mates and how Gilbert has the wrong definition of them. He says that a soul mate is "a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." He continued to say that even though they would be the most important person in your life, you didn't need to necessarily be with them for life. I had never, ever thought of soul mates in this way before. I always thought that your soul mate was the person who challenged you and made you a better person, who told you the truth and loved you in spite of your flaws. But I always thought that this was the person you were "meant" to be with for the rest of your life. I never considered the idea that maybe you didn't need to live with that mirror all the time, for the rest of your life. I never considered that maybe soul mates come into our lives and we break ourselves upon them and we are never the same and then they leave, or rather we have to let them go.

So, in this vein of thought, I have met my soul mate. I have met him, loved him, and let him go. I feel such a sense of relief now because I know that I didn't lose the "love of my life". I realize now that I haven't had that great love yet. It is still waiting for me somewhere out there. What a thrill! What great news! I feel so young and so free right now. I feel like the biggest burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not the victim of fate; I am not the victim of "bad timing". I am rather the recipient of many, many gifts. Oh how grateful I am today! No matter what the next moment brings me, I am thankful. Right now, I am filled with much love.

A New Window

Do you know that before I begin to type one word I turn on my iPod and begin listening to music? It inspires me and lets me focus. Right now the album is "How We Operate" by Gomez.
I have decided that it is time for me to make some real changes in my life. I have decided that I have done this for too long, I have been here in Atlanta for too long, I have let too many things hold me back. This isn't working anymore. I am deeply unsatisfied. And some may say if you can't make your life work there, it isn't going to work anywhere. I disagree wholeheartedly. I have a very good friend who was very unhappy and very unproductive--he changed his vantage point and now he is a better man, he is happier, he is more content and it is so obvious what the difference is. I am bogged down by too many things, things that no one else seems to be bogged down by. I have let myself get comfortable and have not challenged myself to see life from a different window.

"An ax to break the frozen sea within." Kafka

I do not know what it is going to take, rather what will be my ax, but it has to be done. I am ready to step outside my comfort zone and take on something new, a new place, new people. I have never really had an adventure, something that I tried and either found it good or found it bad. I never give myself the chance. I keep myself on a leash. Fear. It is fear that keeps me tied down. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being lonely in a strange place. Fear. It is amazing what kind of power it has over me. I have had to deal with some very bad situations, and I got through them all. But a good or bad "situation" can exist anywhere. What I haven't done is deal with life, with sadness, with joy, with happiness in somewhere other than area code 404.

It is imperative that I get on this now. I have to move, otherwise I'll stay right where I am and be this way until I die. I cannot allow that to happen. I cannot allow fear to rule my life. I must rise above and know that I can handle anything, that all is not too much for me, that I am strong and can be me anywhere. Fear of a change in self also keeps me back. I know that my sense of self is strong, that I know who I am, but what if, just what if, I don't? What if I change venues and change myself? Would that be so bad? I am not perfect now and never will be. There are things about myself I would like to change but I don't have the opportunity to here--stagnant, that's the best word I can use to describe my life right now. Like the puddle at the end of my parent's driveway that never really dries up but is always there to wet your wheels so that water gets into the garage!

I will do this, mark my words. I will not let another year go by without my having tried something new and wonderful. I need to see what the world holds for me as well as seeing what else I can bring to the world. I think if given the chance that I can do anything, but I can't do it from here. Here, I am paralyzed, scared, and asleep. I am surrounded by my past and I need to get away from it and begin anew. What would life be like without constant reminders of my mistakes? What would life be like if I had to use a map to find the bookstore? Wouldn't it be so much better than knowing where everything is all the time, wouldn't it be so much better to not know and have to figure it out? I think so, I do think so. Driving back and forth on the Interstate this weekend gave me time to think. Can you tell?

Shame and Regret

SHAME: (noun) a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace

REGRET: (verb) to remember with distress or longing ; (noun) sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair



So which one is worse? Does regret cause shame? Does shame cause regret? Are they even related? I am not sure. I don't think that they have a causal relationship, but I do think they often go hand-in-hand. In 3 different dictionary definitions "a painful emotion" was associated with shame. And I think it is true. I think that ultimately shame is a very painful emotion, one that we would rather not experience. I have felt shame more than once in my own life and know that in addition to it being unpleasant, it is almost always humbling. I have been brought to my knees with the weight of shame, for it is a heavy burden to bear. There, on my knees, I seem to want to do anything to make it go away, to loosen the rocks that pull on my heart. Shame seems to hit right there in the middle of my chest, precisely where my heart is. Of course I believe the root of shame is guilt, but guilt seems to be less painful for it can be reasoned away. Shame puts more demand on the heart. It almost screams for reconciliation, for some type of recovery, for some type of return home. Shame has that kind of power, the kind of power that makes you feel as though you can never go home again, the kind of power that declares you to be impotent and unimportant and ultimately wrong.

Is shame a natural part of life? Or is it something we do to ourselves, something we put on ourselves? I'm not 100% certain on the answers to these questions. I think that we are human and therefore will make mistakes of varying gravities. Those mistakes that hurt other people are the ones that bring on the most shame. For example, I do not feel shame for being late for work. On the other hand I feel much shame for lashing out at my mother and hurting her feelings. I think shame is somewhat a part of life, but I also think that we can manufacture shame by constantly feeling guilty about something. I think we can be conditioned to feel guilty for even the slightest infraction and therefore feel shame on a daily basis. But I also think we can learn to let some things go with the knowledge that guilt and the shame that follows it can be dangerous for us, unhealthy as it diminishes our self-worth.

I have learned that guilt can be instilled into children by their parents. These are the children who grow up and constantly feel like they have to live up to something or someone; they are the ones that are always doing things for others, as if they are trying to make up for something bad they did. I have seen firsthand how crippling this can be. It is a race away from shame, a way not to feel that ever-present guilt. The trick is to know that sometimes we will mess up in a big way and we will be ashamed of ourselves, and we will also know what to do to make up for it, we will know how to return home with our head held high and ask for forgiveness.

What to do with regret? It is very hard to live in this world and not have regrets. I think everyone regrets something, some more than others. Some people live their life regretting their past and trying to make up for it or re-create the past so they can do it all over again but this time with that 20/20 hindsight ahead of them. Others basically have no regrets. They act and if they mess up, well then they deal with the consequences and move on. They let it go. One part of regret is not being able to let a mistake go. And yet it is critical that we do let our regrets go, for they can be poison to our futures. Regrets can make us scared creatures who cannot go after certain challenges for fear of failure and more regret. They can prevent us from entering into new relationships for fear of obtaining even more regret.

As with shame, regret is unavoidable. We are human and we make mistakes. Sometimes we make mistakes that cannot be repaired; sometimes we make mistakes that will never be forgotten. And we regret our actions or our reactions. We look back upon those mistakes with "distress". Regret can cause pain just like shame, but I don't think regret causes the same kind of heart bending pain shame does. I don't think regret can bring you to your knees; I think it can bring you to your senses. Regret can cause a person to feel unworthy, but only if they allow this to happen. We can control regret more than we can shame. Regret can teach us, shame only hurts us. But regret, regret can show us how to be better people. If you give into regret and don't let it go after it has taught its last lesson, you end up on the floor scared and cold.

No one wants to feel ashamed. No one wants to deal with regret. Shame can humble us like nothing else can and regret can be a great teacher. We should try to avoid both, but know that life goes on and if we don't hold on to the past we can be free to explore the world with open eyes and an open heart, not afraid to go deep into the mountains or farther down the river.