A New Window
Do you know that before I begin to type one word I turn on my iPod and begin listening to music? It inspires me and lets me focus. Right now the album is "How We Operate" by Gomez.
I have decided that it is time for me to make some real changes in my life. I have decided that I have done this for too long, I have been here in Atlanta for too long, I have let too many things hold me back. This isn't working anymore. I am deeply unsatisfied. And some may say if you can't make your life work there, it isn't going to work anywhere. I disagree wholeheartedly. I have a very good friend who was very unhappy and very unproductive--he changed his vantage point and now he is a better man, he is happier, he is more content and it is so obvious what the difference is. I am bogged down by too many things, things that no one else seems to be bogged down by. I have let myself get comfortable and have not challenged myself to see life from a different window.
"An ax to break the frozen sea within." Kafka
I do not know what it is going to take, rather what will be my ax, but it has to be done. I am ready to step outside my comfort zone and take on something new, a new place, new people. I have never really had an adventure, something that I tried and either found it good or found it bad. I never give myself the chance. I keep myself on a leash. Fear. It is fear that keeps me tied down. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being lonely in a strange place. Fear. It is amazing what kind of power it has over me. I have had to deal with some very bad situations, and I got through them all. But a good or bad "situation" can exist anywhere. What I haven't done is deal with life, with sadness, with joy, with happiness in somewhere other than area code 404.
It is imperative that I get on this now. I have to move, otherwise I'll stay right where I am and be this way until I die. I cannot allow that to happen. I cannot allow fear to rule my life. I must rise above and know that I can handle anything, that all is not too much for me, that I am strong and can be me anywhere. Fear of a change in self also keeps me back. I know that my sense of self is strong, that I know who I am, but what if, just what if, I don't? What if I change venues and change myself? Would that be so bad? I am not perfect now and never will be. There are things about myself I would like to change but I don't have the opportunity to here--stagnant, that's the best word I can use to describe my life right now. Like the puddle at the end of my parent's driveway that never really dries up but is always there to wet your wheels so that water gets into the garage!
I will do this, mark my words. I will not let another year go by without my having tried something new and wonderful. I need to see what the world holds for me as well as seeing what else I can bring to the world. I think if given the chance that I can do anything, but I can't do it from here. Here, I am paralyzed, scared, and asleep. I am surrounded by my past and I need to get away from it and begin anew. What would life be like without constant reminders of my mistakes? What would life be like if I had to use a map to find the bookstore? Wouldn't it be so much better than knowing where everything is all the time, wouldn't it be so much better to not know and have to figure it out? I think so, I do think so. Driving back and forth on the Interstate this weekend gave me time to think. Can you tell?
I have decided that it is time for me to make some real changes in my life. I have decided that I have done this for too long, I have been here in Atlanta for too long, I have let too many things hold me back. This isn't working anymore. I am deeply unsatisfied. And some may say if you can't make your life work there, it isn't going to work anywhere. I disagree wholeheartedly. I have a very good friend who was very unhappy and very unproductive--he changed his vantage point and now he is a better man, he is happier, he is more content and it is so obvious what the difference is. I am bogged down by too many things, things that no one else seems to be bogged down by. I have let myself get comfortable and have not challenged myself to see life from a different window.
"An ax to break the frozen sea within." Kafka
I do not know what it is going to take, rather what will be my ax, but it has to be done. I am ready to step outside my comfort zone and take on something new, a new place, new people. I have never really had an adventure, something that I tried and either found it good or found it bad. I never give myself the chance. I keep myself on a leash. Fear. It is fear that keeps me tied down. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being lonely in a strange place. Fear. It is amazing what kind of power it has over me. I have had to deal with some very bad situations, and I got through them all. But a good or bad "situation" can exist anywhere. What I haven't done is deal with life, with sadness, with joy, with happiness in somewhere other than area code 404.
It is imperative that I get on this now. I have to move, otherwise I'll stay right where I am and be this way until I die. I cannot allow that to happen. I cannot allow fear to rule my life. I must rise above and know that I can handle anything, that all is not too much for me, that I am strong and can be me anywhere. Fear of a change in self also keeps me back. I know that my sense of self is strong, that I know who I am, but what if, just what if, I don't? What if I change venues and change myself? Would that be so bad? I am not perfect now and never will be. There are things about myself I would like to change but I don't have the opportunity to here--stagnant, that's the best word I can use to describe my life right now. Like the puddle at the end of my parent's driveway that never really dries up but is always there to wet your wheels so that water gets into the garage!
I will do this, mark my words. I will not let another year go by without my having tried something new and wonderful. I need to see what the world holds for me as well as seeing what else I can bring to the world. I think if given the chance that I can do anything, but I can't do it from here. Here, I am paralyzed, scared, and asleep. I am surrounded by my past and I need to get away from it and begin anew. What would life be like without constant reminders of my mistakes? What would life be like if I had to use a map to find the bookstore? Wouldn't it be so much better than knowing where everything is all the time, wouldn't it be so much better to not know and have to figure it out? I think so, I do think so. Driving back and forth on the Interstate this weekend gave me time to think. Can you tell?
posted by Mireille at 11:40 AM
1 Comments:
go for it! before the trappings of life begin to surround you! a car, a house, a family, a heap of debt, all these things keep most people from following their dream, or their urge for adventure. you will not regret taking a stand, saying enough, no more, i'm finding my own path now. see you later alligator!
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