Summer Colds

Summer colds are the worst! I've been fighting with one for almost a week now and on Saturday I just had to call in reinforcements. So, thanks to some antibiotics, a little cough syrup, and Prednisone, I seem to be feeling a bit better. In fact I went to see "Sex and The City" this afternoon with friends. It wasn't a great movie like "Elizabeth" or "The Queen", and it wasn't even great as in "Something's Gotta Give" or "Say Anything"; however in its own right it was a great storyline and the characters were memorable and yes, believable. These were not "girls" anymore anyway. The main character Carrie was 40 and one of her friends turned 50 at the end of the movie. This was about women. This was about who we love and who loves us back.

I am eager to find love right now. Being sick this weekend and being all alone made me wish I had a companion who would bring me some water or just sit with me and be there when I woke up during the night. I am eager to share my life, my boring albeit often crazy life. And yet I know that love, authentic love, is hard work. It is hard to find it in the first place, and then it is hard work to keep it. By this I mean, if the love is worth its salt, you will spend time nurturing it and fighting for it and then basking in its glow. I want something to fight for. I am ready for the challenge. I have done the hard work on myself, taken that proverbial look in the mirror, and tried to correct the things I know were not right. I need another sort of mirror now--a mirror in the form of someone that I have stood beside during bad weather, who I have sat next to in Symphony Hall, who I have looked to for guidance, and now who I look at and see what other kind of work I need to do on myself. (I have a friend who says that he is the rock that great men break themselves upon--note to friend, I have broken myself on you too.)

I don't want a wedding and I don't want a honeymoon. I want all the stuff that comes before and after and in between and along the way. I've always toyed around with the idea that I wasn't meant to have a partner, be part of a team, but secretly I've always thought that I was meant to be with someone, with someone strong and gentle, intelligent and sensitive, generous and charitable. At this point in my life I cannot give up on thinking that maybe my soul's lover exists out there somewhere. One day though I will give up, not because I'm tired of waiting, but because the universe will signal me to put down my torch and just follow the path, by myself, and that will be okay. For now, I hold my torch high up in the air with an outstretched arm and look over all the earth to find that matching torch, the one made similar to mine, the one that with mine will light up the universe. If you are out there, raise your torch high so that I may find you. And so that we may carry on the journey of life together.