Overflow

It is like a faucet that has been leaking for almost 2 years now--except now the sink is full and can take not another drop. There used to be such great hope, such great expectation. There used to be such great love and such great affection. It didn't come in floods, it dripped, steadily and at one point it filled up a great room and I was full. Lately it has been dripping another way and I have known this was coming. The last drop fell today and I am overflowing with sadness. I cannot express how badly it feels when you realize everything you thought about something was flawed--that your perceptions were illusions, mirages in the desert, never really there. I feel as though I have been robbed, as though someone has stolen the one thing that held me up when the clouds came. I am absolutely beside myself right now. I don't know whether to look right or to look left, whether to breathe or not, whether to cry or fly into a rage. No, I don't want to fly into a rage and I don't want to stop breathing and I can look both left and right. There is nothing here that will hurt me anymore. The ghosts have revealed their true identities, the gig is up, the show is over.



I never realized how much I had depended on someone else's unhappiness for my own happiness. Because their unhappiness meant there was room for me, meant that I still counted, meant that I was still loved. Everything is different now and I owe many apologies. I am truly ashamed of myself. I am very happy for them, happy that they are content now and not in such a terrible state of unrest. They deserve everything in the world and this is just the beginning of a windfall of great things. This also means that I am gone. My position has been filled. Mommy and Daddy are back home and silly Mary Poppins can fly off in the wind now. Nothing need be said, if you remember Mary Poppins knew when it was her time to go and she just went. And she went silently. If I truly love the way I say I do, I will make my leave and be just as quiet. I will bow out knowing that there is no more room, knowing that I do not belong here anymore, knowing that I never belonged here.



Give up the ghost they say--never knew what it meant until just now. It is something I have to do in order to be the woman they want me to be. I won't sleep for days as I fight with my ghosts and try to rationalize how I can keep them in my life. I won't eat for days as I rock in the corner mourning a loss. But I will emerge from this--bruised and torn yes--but I will emerge and I will take up my journals and begin to write poetry and maybe I'll ask the universe if this is the time to put down my proverbial torch. And I don't know what she'll say. I will be prepared for anything. Just let me rest now and wrap myself in this great sadness. I will burn this cloak of desolation in a few day's time and will trade it for a cloak of great joy. There are many things to celebrate. I have seen the end of a bad time and the beginning of a new one. Rejoice! Sing praises to god! There is a time and place for everything under the sun. Let us be merry--for this is your time!