The Novice

I am reading the greatest book right now, The Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett. When I get into a book like this, I become absolutely absorbed by the book and it is all I can think of. I dream of the characters and I often mistake the years, thinking it is the year 1142 instead of 2008. When I read about the past, I always wish I could have lived in another time. In 1142 there was no traffic, there was no Starbucks, there was no Internet. Every day was about survival. Some people walked for days on end to reach monasteries that would provide them with a bit of thin beer and bread. Some men went from castle to castle, from town to town, trying desperately to find work to support their wives and children. Often they walked barefoot. Often they walked in the cold and slept outdoors with only the cloaks on their back for warmth. I am amazed at how simple things were then. You worked the land or you tended your sheep or you cooked in an Earl's kitchen and then went to bed bone tired and got up in the morning and did it all over again. But there was joy in that work, there was a real satisfaction in just providing for your family. And it wasn't just the men, the women worked just as hard. The children played outside with no toys to entertain them, just their imagination. And they were fine, they were healthy, they were spiritually pure beings. This isn't to say there weren't evil forces present everywhere. Outlaws hid in the forest ready to rape and pillage every traveller that crossed their path. Crooked Kings and Queens favored one man's family over another if he had more money. That was the thing that was the same basically: Money could get you everywhere if you had it. If you didn't, you lived that simple life. And it seems to me that the peasants, the monks, the common folk, lead much happier lives than those with 100 pounds of silver.

I am longing to simplify my own life right now. I am longing to get out of the city, to live among nature and learn to live off the land. I am longing for a life of joy, not one of constant stress and worry. I want to survive each day and be thankful for doing just that. I want to lie beneath the stars and be thankful for the ability to see. I want to splash cold water on my face from a river and be thankful that I can feel. I assume it is possible to do these things and still live this life, but it seems to be so hard. There is too much of this and too much of that. Excess abounds and I'm not comfortable with it anymore. I am not comfortable now in the year 2008. Supposedly we have come so far and invented so many wonderful things and we should be so comfortable now. But I'm not. I'm not sure we haven't gone backwards in many senses. Does a CEO of a big company experience the kind of joy a Shepard did in 1142? Or is it a matter of perspective? Or can joy be qualified in this way? I'm just not sure that we are that much better off now than we were then. I'm just not sure.

sister of mine

I have chosen to take the advice of a very wise friend and stop whining on this blog. Instead I am choosing to lay before you the things I am grateful for, the wonderful and beautiful things in my life, the things that are close to my heart, and the people without whom I would not be where I am today. Today I want to tell you about my best friend, Laurie.

I have one sister and her name is Laurie. She is five years younger than I am, but we are very close. She has a son named Jimbo and he is my little savior. In the months leading up to his birth I was quite the mess and really just thought life wasn't worth the fuss anymore. When Jimbo was born I realized that the most precious things in my life were well worth the "fuss". Jimbo, at just 19 months, inspires me. He talks all the time and has more personality in his little body than I've seen in some grown adults! He is definitely Laurie's child. And I love him like I've never loved anything else. I feel like he is my own and I would walk on fire for him.

Laurie is very busy these days being a mother and wife, but she always has time for me. Laurie is the most unselfish person that I have ever known. She is constantly helping someone in need. She has this sweet spirit that I've always thought was a bit other-worldly in that I don't understand how someone like her could have ever been born of this earth. She never judges me or admonishes me for my bad decisions, no matter what. She encourages me and she loves me unconditionally. Laurie is the consummate friend. She loves to laugh and she loves to be with other people. She knows me better than anyone else on this earth.

I smile every time I hear her voice. And we are actually very different people. She is engaged in family life and I am just plugging along on my own. She has a very strong faith in God; I am still struggling with how God fits into my life. She is a very good cook; I get impatient just waiting for water to boil. She is conscientious with her money; I am trying. Laurie is the kind of person I want to be one day. Full of grace and peace, lovely in all ways, tender, sensitive, and ever so accepting. She sees something wonderful in all people. Oh and she has the best stories! Laurie is always getting into jams or finding herself in funny situations. Sometimes all I want to do is hear about her day and what sorts of things she got into that day.

Laurie is the paragon of motherhood. It is so strange because she never played with dolls as a child--that was me, I took care of my dolls like they were real; she named one of her dolls "babe" and took all of her clothes off. I was incensed and thought she should not be allowed to play with dolls anymore. And now? Let's just say that Jimbo is going to be bored to death in school because Laurie is so entertaining to him. She sings to him; she pulls him down the hall on a towel; she reads to him; she encourages him to be his own person while at the same time gently reminding him to "listen and obey". They are quite the pair! I love to listen to her tell me about Jimbo and what he is doing, what he is saying, what she observes in him. It is always fascinating to me. And every time I hear him on the phone, I melt and think once again that I need to be closer to her so that I can be more a part of his life.

I couldn't ask for a better sister, for a more loyal best friend. I thank my parents for giving me such a tremendous gift. (They also gave me a brother, but I'll tell you about him later.) I wouldn't trade anything in the world for my sister. There is a love between us that cannot be replicated in all the world. I think of all the people in my life and I always come back to her. I wouldn't be where I am without her. I wouldn't be this sane. I wish everyone could know Laurie, but secretly I want her to myself. My heart overflows with love for her and I am so blessed to be a part of her life. No one can ever take the place of my dear, dear Laurie.

Let Me Think About It

I have found a sort of peace of mind about several things lately. I have taken control of situations in my life that heretofore I have just ignored or let run wild. Taking control of these things, taking responsibility for my actions and lack of action, has made me feel so much less overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed very easily. Two or three things going wrong in the same day and I'm on the floor saying "I'm done, I can't do this anymore". Being tired and needing to complete tasks makes me despondent and so angry with the world. I feel as if the world is out to get me and take me down. This frequently happens when I try to deal with more than one thing at a time. It isn't that I can't multitask, but that's just paper-pushing and typing at the same time and making quick decisions all along. I get overwhelmed by life's little requirements and decisions, like going to the grocery store or getting gas or deciding what to eat for dinner. These little things take over my mind and all of a sudden I'm having a breakdown!

To help me with this I am trying to remember that I am only responsible for today, for this moment, tomorrow is another day and one that I have no control over. Today is my responsibility. What can I get done today to facilitate life's journey and take care of myself? It is like the old adage about not being able to see the forest for the trees. I see trees and limbs and leaves and the pine straw and the squirrel. I do not see the entire forest as a whole very often. To that end, I can only deal with this moment right now. The next one will be dealt with when it comes to me.

In this quest to be ever more mindful I am trying to utilize the phrase, "Let me think about it". I am trying to give myself time to think about decisions before I jump in head first and then regret the decision later. It is a way to reduce the number of things I do that I regret later and yet cannot be undone. Like buying something from a store with no return policy. You get the item home and realize it really doesn't suit you, but you have no recourse except to get store credit and what you really want is that money back. Those kinds of situations cause me excessive worry because I know I didn't think about my decision and if I had I would have never made it in the first place. So, I am thinking about things more now. Financially I am trying to make good decisions and that takes time for me. Emotionally I am trying to be more careful and that takes time.

I guess I am not naturally a very patient person so I tend to make quick decisions and want things done yesterday. Case in point, my bum foot. I miss exercising so much and just want my foot to be healed so I can get back to my woods, my trails, my time outside working my body, pushing myself, achieving new goals. But my foot is not healed right now. It needs time to repair itself and it needs rest. I cannot just take off the boot and "walk through the pain" or else I risk breaking my foot entirely. I have set longer parameters for healing than will be probably be needed so that I am not disappointed when a week goes by and I don't feel better. I have to remember that the woods will remain and my body will easily go back to its routine when the time is right. Timing--oh how important it is in everything! When things are timed correctly life runs smoothly, calm is in the air and peace is experienced. Sometimes though we have to let go of the control we think we have on life in order for time to take its natural course and work itself out in the proper way. Letting go is not something I am good at in any way. But I suppose it is something I should work on. Let me think about that one and get back to you!

A Few of My Favorite Words

taciturn
sanguine
inanition
degradation
verdant
omphaloskepsis
demure
weltschmerz
crimson
garrote
transient
innate
fruition
aerial
avian

Dreams

I am back in das boot and it is as unattractive now as it was a year ago and as uncomfortable. I get to wear jeans to work though because I can't fit any of my pants over the boot. That's a good thing. I am a jeans woman, jeans and flip-flops and long-sleeved white t-shirts. That is my idea of style! My foot is beginning to feel a little better, but I fear I am in for more "rest" than I would care for. I am back to my old habits. I come home from work, eat a bit, then go to sleep. In my flawed logic if I can't be outside doing what I love, then I will just sleep.

I have always been a big sleeper, have always taken lots of naps. Sleep is very restorative for me. No one in my family or circle of friends understands it. They see it as missing out on life. I see it as recharging my batteries and having a little time where I don't have to think so much. My mind can be my enemy sometimes as it is very hard for me to turn it off. Don't get me wrong, I love to think, but sometimes I need a break. Watching tv can be a good distraction, but I'd rather sleep than watch what is on tv now (except for my dear Law & Order). I believe that when I sleep all my thoughts get sorted out and become clearer because usually when I wake up I can think so much better than I could before.

I am trying to meditate more, but I find this to be extremely difficult. My thoughts constantly wander off in the wrong direction. For example, if I'm trying to focus on my breathing I'll start thinking about whether or not I left the lights on in the car or I'll star thinking about all the books I want to read. Get the point? Even as I write this I am thinking about how I can best describe my relationship with music. I will keep trying though.

Music is like the Pied Piper to me--when I hear something I like I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I have a very visceral response to music. A song can give me so much energy I feel like I'm about to explode! Or a song can make me extremely contemplative and drive me to write for hours on end. I like to listen to my favorite classical music alone--I can process it better that way--like Durufle, Elgar, Chopin, or the Ahn Trio. The Indigo Girls always energize me as does U2. Pinback and Gomez make me contemplative.

This is quite the miscellaneous post. I've gone from das boot to Gomez--what a trip! Random thoughts in a random pattern? (I've been called "random" before--but that's just my brother talking about my innate ability to tell stories with no point whatsoever!) I've finished my coffee and have chewed about 4 pieces of nicorette, now what? If it were up to me I would take off on a plane to London and take a flat for about 2 weeks and go visit all the places my favorite writers visited, the cafes, the parks. Maybe meet some dashing English man and have tea. Ah, dreams!

Film part deux

Before I go any further I need to make some clarifications about my use of the metaphor film in my last post. I am afraid that I've not got some of the terms associated with photography down and in that regard misused some of them. The fact that I lived a sheltered life growing up means to me that I experienced certain things and never got to process them, and also that I never got to experience certain things in the first place, therefore a "picture" was never even taken. At present I am an unexposed roll of film--I have yet to create the pictures I want to--at the same time there are rolls of film in my life that have pictures on them, I've just never bothered to flesh them out. Being an unexposed roll of film is not such a bad thing--it just means I've got some work to do. I need to take the time to be in the moment and not always be in the dark room thinking about the moment. Does that make sense?


I broke my foot about a year ago and I had to wear an orthopaedic boot for 2 months. How did I break the foot? I missed a step in 4 inch heels! Not the best story. However since this past Tuesday the same foot has been hurting and it has gotten worse even though I have tried to stay off it. I am terrified that it is broken again, but maybe it is just a bad bruise. I finally broke down and got fitted for some trail shoes yesterday--I knew my old shoes were not giving me enough support and thought it could be the origin of my foot problems. I got up this morning early and just knew I couldn't stay inside all day. I felt the outdoors beckoning to me to come out. So I got my coffee and put on my new trail shoes and sat in the gazebo on a swing and just thought and listened to the fountain in the pond. I wasn't exactly wearing exercise garb, but I decided I couldn't just sit there any longer. I put my coffee away and began walking around the pond and I walked out the silver painted gate to my woods. My foot was aching but I just ignored it. I felt called to climb my hill and worship among the trees and shrubs and wildflowers. Of course now even after a hot shower my foot is hurting still, but it was so worth it!

I am working on a black and white issue again. My identity seems to be changing and as much as I want the change to come, I am fearful. Heretofore I have been very materialistic and have put much emphasis on appearances. Today I don't give a damn. I haven't touched a hair dryer in over 3 weeks and it feels so liberating. I have completely given up on wearing shoes that even though they look good hurt my feet like hell. I'm not "letting myself go" per se, but I am letting go of a part of myself that I haven't liked in quite awhile. I have too many shoes. There, I said it. I don't want the life I used to want anymore. I want a different sort of life--a life of simplicity and experience. I don't want to be known as the person "with all the shoes". I want people to see me in a different light. I know in order for this to happen I have to change the way I present myself to the world. But I think I am ready. I've always known who I was, I've just pushed it aside preferring to be someone else. I am tired now though and want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not someone else's. I am tired of comparing myself to other people and coming up short. I don't want to compare myself to anyone but me. I want to be accountable to me, no one else. I can do this, but it will not be an easy transition and I will question myself all the way, wondering again and again "Who am I?" My soul knows who I am and if I listen very closely to the beating of my heart, I will begin a journey that will make all the difference in the world to me.

Film

I feel like I am a roll of film yet to be exposed--and I have no idea what sorts of "pictures" would show up once I, the film, was developed, exposed to the light. In some ways I have been prohibited from being developed all my life; some would call this living a "sheltered life". I wondered today though what would happen if I was exposed to the light, if my pictures got developed properly--what would they show, what would they not show, what could I learn? I think the time has come for me to step out of the canister and allow life to develop me. That's what develops us right? Life? Experience? Walks in the woods and meeting new people, staying awake for the finale and laughing until your stomach aches, sobbing when you've had a bad day and smiling when someone you love calls you just to say "I love you"--It is very easy to pack our emotions away and not really feel them, just sort of live life and never process it. But we lose so much when we don't allow ourselves to be present for life, not just show up and make the motions. It is easier to be unconscious and just follow the person in front of you, do what they do, eat supper and go to bed. However, I do believe that the returns on living an examined, developed, processed life are well worth the hardships.

Of course the next step is to act on what you find. Change your job, move to a new town, let go of that unhealthy relationship even if it means being lonely for a bit, learn to be more grateful, find the courage to say yes and say no....I have made many an excuse for not taking the steps I needed to not only examine my life, but to also act on my life, and act LOUD. I let myself believe that other people are the stumbling block in my life, that this person is holding me back because they don't want me to get hurt or be disappointed. That isn't true, and I know that to my core. I couldn't help that some of my life's film was not developed in my childhood, but now, there's no excuse. Any thing that stops me from becoming the individual I truly desire to be is something that I have consciously or unconsciously allowed.

It is difficult for me to accept all this responsibility--it goes against everything I've been told in my multiple years of therapy. It is empowering though to know that change is in my hands and not someone else's. It is empowering to know that I can pop the top and let my life process all the rolls of film I've got that have been sitting in the corner waiting. There are some things that I cannot change and I must accept these limitations, but oh how many things I can change! Or keep the same! Examination doesn't always lead to change; sometimes it backs you up and lets you know that you are indeed doing the right thing with your life. The important aspect of all of this is to be present, to act LOUD, to experience everything with fervor, the sadness and the madness and the happy days.

I am still walking in the woods and I just get giddy when 4 o'clock rolls around and I know it is time to go home. I think of putting on my socks and shoes and heading out that door. I think of climbing that hill, knowing that I possess everything I need to do it again. I think of how wonderfully sad I feel when I close the door behind me, leaving the squirrels and rabbits and chipmunks, the trees and the Cherokee Rose, the river and the fishermen. My soul fills itself up here and I am whole again.

I want to thank the anonymous person who left a post on my blog--you have have no idea what you did for me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write those words.